Recalling the dark phase of life when he was battling mental health issues, Australian batsman Glenn Maxwell admitted he could've publicly opened up about it a little earlier and not "held on to it for too long".
On 'Cricbuzz in Conversation' with Harsha Bhogle, Maxwell said it was the feeling that he is perhaps letting his team down dragging himself in that state, which ultimately led to his decision to take a break from the game.
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"I probably noticed it around September last year. When I finally came out in November so I probably held on to it for too long with that following me around. It wore me down and I forgot who I was as a person. I felt like a cardboard cut out of a cricketer who got put on a plane, on a bus, at a cricket ground and I just had to put on a smile and pretend everything was okay," said Maxwell, bravely giving an account of what it was like for him.
"Inside my mind, I was in a self-destruction mode. When I put my hand up and said everything was imploding in my mind, they were so good to allow me that time away from the game. Aaron Finch, Peter Handscomb, Marcus Stoinis - I am close to these guys and we speak about this. You have to have a friendship and people who you can trust where you know they are going to have your best interest in their heart all the time."
"As a cricketer, I've always put on a mask. I am going to put on a smile and I am going to be energetic. I am not that kind of person. I am very laid back and relaxed. I like to be quiet and alone in my spare time. Putting a mask on can weigh you down. It was hard."
"There was one period when I let myself go a little bit. I saw my mother cry when we lost the World Cup semifinal and when I saw that, I lost it. That was one time when I let myself go a bit but there was a long time when I was very emotionless. It's just a strange place to be in. Nothing really makes sense."
"It felt like I was letting my team down and walking away. It was important to have these people around you who have your best interest in their mind," added the 31-year-old.
Maxwell being a swashbuckling right-hand batsman and a livewire in the field attracts accolades and at the same time, criticism, like few else do. That, in itself, isn't the best of positions to be in, considering the mental toll it could take when the failures are reacted to with adverse comments.
"There was so much backlash. Whenever I failed, and if we lost, it was always my fault. The things I did the previous months got washed off every time I failed or didn't quite score at a strike rate that everyone wanted me to score at. There was a fair bit of pressure on me after that World Cup," Maxwell said.
"I thought I am going to strike a180 and average 65 for the rest of my career - which is pretty unlikely. I put an unnecessary amount of pressure on myself but it was from the public side as well. They, sort of, an inflated opinion of how I should be playing the game and that probably came from that World Cup."
"Fear of failure can ruin your game, especially in the shorter format when you are constantly what if I get out. There are times when the middle-order batsmen have to fix what the top-order have mucked up or put the icing on the cake. Our game is going to be high-temp high-risk. It's not going to come off every time but when it does, people expect it from you. When it doesn't come off, it looks irresponsible," he added.
"Cricket is such a mental game. West Indies spoke about mental fatigue after their Test series against England, when they were in the bubble, it was a whole battle to just get through the series. The mental toll can take a toll on you as well."
Thankfully, Maxwell bounced back towards the later part of the previous Australian summer, leading Melbourne Stars' campaign in the Big Bash League (BBL).
Out of the Australian team, he will be hoping to reattain his near-invincible avatar during the 13th edition of the Indian Premier League (IPL) in UAE, a place he has happy memories of wearing the Kings XI Punjab (KXIP) shirt.
"The conditions seem to suit me," he said. "The ground is big so there are a lot of open spaces, there's something about the ground that really suits my eye, there's not a lot of bounce, when you find grounds like that, you start to get on a run. It's where I had my debut series with Australia in 2012 and ever since I've had a love affair."
"I owe a lot to the first couple of years (with Delhi Daredevils and Mumbai Indians). It sort of warmed me up to the IPL and gave me an idea of what to expect. I was better prepared in 2014. The attack that CSK had that year had a lot of familiarity. I had faced a lot of the players before and I felt really comfortable in the middle."
"Ashwin, Mohit Sharma I had faced, Pawan Negi was with Mumbai before. I just really got comfortable. A lot of people saw David Myself and I have a great tournament in 2014 and the joy it brought to the KXIP fans is something I'll never forget," Maxwell concluded.
(Inputs from Cricbuzz)
