Former India pacer Praveen Kumar revealed that he is not only battling hard with mental health concerns but once also contemplated suicide because of it.

The right-arm swing bowler from Uttar Pradesh, who played over 70 international games for the country before hanging his boots from all formats less than two years back, is currently undergoing counseling to cope with the struggle beneath.

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"I told myself, ‘Kya hai yeh sab? Bas khatam Karte hain (What’s all this? Let me just end it)," Praveen told Indian Express on his fight with depression and how he almost failed at it a couple of months ago.

When, eight years since he last turned up in the Men in Blue jersey, he took his revolver, got into his car and sped to the highway to Haridwar where he thought of ending it all before his eyes looked up to the photo of his children. 

"I realized I can’t do this to my phool-jaise bachche (innocent children), put them through this hell. I turned back."

Praveen was a free-spirited, ever-smiling cricketer. But one can never tell from outside what exactly a person may be going through. "I had no one to talk to, felt almost constant chid-chidapan (irritation)," he said. "As a fast bowler, I had to do a lot of thinking (to out-smart batsmen). I told the counselor I was unable to switch off thoughts."

The 33-year-old is hoping for a reboot in life, a fresh beginning at some stage in the future. "I have nothing to do, I want to do something but I just can’t," said Kumar. "I got the feeling everybody thought PK was retired, not free. Does no one know the Uttar Pradesh Ranji team doesn’t have a bowling coach? I should be with the team and not be sitting here in Meerut."

When on the 2011 England tour Praveen swung his way to a fifer at Lord's and was the sole bright spot among the Indian pacers, no one thought that is his last big moment at the highest level. "I had been bowling so well," he said. "In England, everybody praised me. I was dreaming about a Test career. Suddenly, gaya sab kuchch (it was all gone)," he signed off.

(Inputs from Indian Express)